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Freedom Denied
Author: niteowluk2003
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(Added on Jul 31, 2007)
(This month 133218 readers) (Total 177854 readers) |
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A woman gets kidnapped at the airport and turned in to a cum slut. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Clevernick
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 2, 2007 |
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The spelling and grammar were about at 7/10 level, with frequent slippages of tense, and incorrect grammar in the narrative.
The grammar problems were bad enough to be distracting, like listening to a child tell a story.
The story felt strangely empty without motivation. There was no motivation I could see for capturing and training the women -- not even the men appeared to be enjoying themselves.
The women were sad enough, but I didn't really feel Mandi's pain and loss, or the other girls' either. More of their feelings would help.
And a technical note -- the author has, I would venture to say, never had a tube inserted down his throat. I have for a medical exam, and it's awful, even with anaesthetic. People who train for this probably have no problem, but if you haven't, here's what happens--you start gagging and and you just can't stop, even with an empty stomach. As long as the tube is there, the gagging continues. It takes all your body's energy, and within a few minutes you are quickly drained and feeling ill, like the first day of a bad flu.
All that said, improvements wouldn't be that difficult to do. A good proofreading for tense and grammar, adding a bit of dialogue instead of "he told her", and some consciousness of what details of the shadowy kidnappers are revealed when, and why, would fix this up proper.
This story can improve -- there's a core here that's worth working on! Keep it up! (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Mad Lews
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 1, 2007 |
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Certainly an effort. The stories heavy on detail and lacking in cause and reason. A bit more balance might help. As always a proper proofread would help any writer. All in all a noble effort keep up the good work. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 31, 2007 |
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loved it, my type of story (10/10)
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