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Imaginings I: Bernadette in Wien
Author: Curtis
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(Added on Jul 30, 2005)
(This month 15250 readers) (Total 24740 readers) |
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Bernadette has recently taken a job in the big city. Wien is an exciting place, but Bernie's feeling lonely, so she decides to familiarize herself with her new environment. One wintery night she takes a wrong turn and ends up in the 'bad' part of town, where she stumbles across an adventure and an opportunity... |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
JonMaddux
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 27, 2007 |
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Well curtis, kudos you are definitely a better author than I. As you mentioned in the disclaimer I dont speak/read Deutsch none the less your story was well written. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Elkor
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 7, 2005 |
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I find myself agreeing with lex ludite regarding the use of the German pronouns in an otherwise English story. On the one hand it does help to establish the scenery/environment. On the other hand it was used a little heavily. What the right balance is for a "normal" english reading audience, I'm not sure, but I think it's a little less than you have here.
Other than that, it was a good read, with appropriate descriptions and good pacing. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
Curtis
(Edit) (Aug 7, 2005)
- I'm not sure what the right balance is, either. A very helpful British gent has provided corrections for the vocabulary list. I hope the story can be updated within the next couple of weeks to reflect his input. I have received a request for more stories set in Wien, but alas, there are none. Bernadette's other story is set in northern Germany… and it uses no Deutsch. Thank you for reviewing; I see that I received your lowest to date. A mark of distinction!
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| Reviewer:
pejanon
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 2, 2005 |
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Note: this review deals ONLY with the story, not with whatever it was/is/could've been.
Introduction: Stories that need so many explanations (and explanations of explanations) notes, etc are in deep ... trouble. Stories should stand - or fall - by themselves.
Fortunately this one stands alone just fine. All that stuff about it 'being an exercise in frustration' is, I suspect, a put on, a mindfuck or even an attempt at devious hook. Nothing doing, it reads just fine.
Note on German language: Interesting. Really. Quirky, refreshing, sexy! Saucy. I didn't have any trouble. Yes, I do know some pidgin German too, but I really do not think it should be an obstacle.
This twist with German works ONLY because it is strictly a fantasy, an imagination. (If Burgess could why not Curtis?) If this was anything but fantasy such use of German would be totally meaningless and awful exercise.
Note to those few souls who read the review before the story: DON'T use search/replace, you will loose the gravy. If necessary open another window with the glossary.
Main body: Excellent writing. Great scene (whole story is one long scene). Masterful choreography, external and internal viewpoints, good timing. I loved when you shifted in the high gear! And even a postcare service!
The charters: she's sweet-not-saccharine, Frieda bitter-not-black, the rest appeared in the right attire and, when used, were cast back in fogs of Wien. Appropriate.
Closing note: Well, mein Herr, du did nothing for mein 'Moral Superiority' but I did consider using mein Richtig Hand.
08/02 Ah, but Asimov started doing that AFTER he wrote (and published) a lot of stories!
Antony Burgess? (spel. pehaps) wrote Clockwok Orange! That stuff with Russian? You are not pulling my leg, aren't you?
(8/10)
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- Replied by:
Curtis
(Edit) (Aug 2, 2005)
- Thank you, pejanon. I personally thought it was worth an '8' myself, but all thing considered I could hardly quibble with Lex's '7'.
I'm sorry you didn't like the Introduction (though it occurs to me you might be referring more to my reply to Lex's review), largely because anything I post will have about that much explanatory material attached to it. One of my favorite writers was Isaac Asimov. He used to lead into most of his non-fiction and a fair number of his short fiction pieces with autobiographical material. I enjoyed it so much that I've decided to do the same.
Other than that, I could hardly ask for a more effusive review! Thank you very much, and I'm gratified that you noticed (and approved of) the aftercare bit at the end. Not all of my pieces have them; I guess I was in a romantic mood.
Oh, and who is 'Burgess'? Does he post here?
- Replied by:
Curtis
(Edit) (Aug 7, 2005)
- When you edit your reply I don't get a notification of it, so I would've missed your addendum if someone else hadn't reviewed today (same note applies to Lex's response to my response, which I also wasn't notified of)!
Anyway, I've heard of "Clockwork Orange", but I've only read the MAD magazine spoof of it. I'm afraid I'm pretty unlettered when it comes to 'literature'. I prefer 'genre' fiction, such as mystery, fantasy, sci-fi or porn. And before you protest, "Clockwork Orange" is no more sci-fi than "Brave New World" or "R.U.R." They're all social commentary literature thinly disguised in a sci-fi trenchcoat. Thank you for clearing that up, though. I hope you drop in when my next story gets posted.
- Replied by:
pejanon
(Edit) (Aug 10, 2005)
- Verbiage? LOL, then ROWL! (Wiping tears) right,,, then again, why the hell not? Keep it up.
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| Reviewer:
lex ludite
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 30, 2005 |
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There are a lot of good things here, but the ersatz German is not one of them. I remember enough of my college German to get through it, but for those not so fortunate, it's just a needless distraction, which you as an author should avoid like the plague. I got the feeling during most of the story that I was reading a comic book. Don't get me wrong, I found the characters to be droll in most cases, but it was sex and violence by the numbers with a German accent. However the writing style, when English is used, is much better than what is usually presented on this site. I'll let the pretentious announcements of how you are honoring us swine with your deathless prose go by, since this work is above average despite my cavils. Welcome to the fun house and please check your sanity at the door. It's so much more fun that way. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
Curtis
(Edit) (Jul 30, 2005)
- (I am beginning to think this story is cursed. I spent an hour typing out a response to this review earlier, and when I hit the 'Reply' button it vanished. Take two.)
Lex, thank you for this generous and fair review. For those readers who check out the reviews before starting a story, Lex's will give you an accurate idea of what to expect. Lex, I 'm aware that you have a policy of never revisiting your reviews, but I do wonder just what you meant by, "I got the feeling during most of the story that I was reading a comic book." If this refers to the following comment about finding the characters to be droll, then I accept it as a compliment and am relieved that you 'got it', since all humor appearing herein is absolutely intentional. If that isn't what you meant, then what did you mean? (And should I be dusting off my dueling pistol?)
You're correct that the use of Deutsch is a distraction. In the event it turned out to be a bigger distraction than it needed to be. This story was originally written as part of an exchange of e-mails between myself and emmaadmirer. ea is a native Deutsch speaker, and I loaded down my messages to her with as much pidgin Deutsch as I could wedge in. At the insistence of my editing team better than 2/3 of it was removed, but at my own insistence it was retained for the dialogue portions. If the whole thing was done in English, I might just as well have set it in Cleveland.
I won't bore you with pretentious announcements of how I'm honoring you swine with my deathless prose, but I will take this opportunity to make some corrections to the work as it appears. This story was started some 2 1/2 years ago, then allowed to languish. In the past few weeks there was a chaotic rush to completion, in the course of which I never read the final draft before it was submitted. Steps have been taken to ensure that that my error isn't repeated, but the present work has still suffered as a result. Among the errors which have crept in are: The Introduction, when last I saw it, was constructed in four paragraphs, not the monobloc it presents today. Each set of lefthand quotation marks denotes a paragraph break, and the righthand quotation marks shouldn't be there at all.
Next, the vocabulary list shouldn't be all crammed into the Introduction. Each of the three parts should have its own, smaller, list of just those terms found within it. This would make looking up the unfamiliar terms far less onerous.
Finally, even the title has been changed –– it should read "Imaginations II", not "Imaginings I". There are other (minor) errors, but they shouldn't affect the enjoyment of the readers.
- Replied by:
lex ludite
(Edit) (Aug 2, 2005)
- Since both you and the other reviewer, who by the way is also a fairly decent sort, have set new records for verbiage, in fact I believe the three of us are collectively beginning to close in on the story length itself, it is only fair that I respond to your concerns. My comment concerning the comic book was not meant to be a knock, rather it was exactly the way I felt at that point in the story. I believe you have talent and would like to see more from you in the near future. If you want to be a good writer, write, write and write some more. Best of luck and welcome to the fun house, oh, I already said that, didn't I?
- Replied by:
Curtis
(Edit) (Aug 7, 2005)
- Thank you for clarifying that, Lex. Your explanation triggered off something in my memory banks. The first three complete stories I ever wrote were sample comic book scripts for DC, Marvel and Cat Yronwood. No one expressed any interest in them, and I eventually moved on to other forms of expression, but I still 'see' maybe half of my stories unfolding in comic book form as I write them. Most of the rest I imagine as movie scripts, which aren't too dissimilar. As it happens, none of the "Imaginations" fall into either category, but perhaps the influence has simply become pervasive by this time. Interesting that you picked up on that. If writers were allowed to rate critics I'd have to bump you up a point for that.
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