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Kidnapping & Enslaving A Waitress
Author: THE Traveller
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(Added on Jun 18, 2005)
(This month 71512 readers) (Total 111508 readers) |
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A man abducts a waitress. He wants to train her to be his slave. But she's a tough cookie so the kidnapper must find a way to break her... |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 7 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6.5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
GaelstormIRA
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 5, 2005 |
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Good story, but it could use better paragraphing. Sorry but the one liners were too hard to read. (4/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Aug 13, 2005)
- GaelstormIRA, I'll work on the paragraphing. Thank you for the review.
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| Reviewer:
slave802120
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 24, 2005 |
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Hello Traveller --
Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with much of what Jonathon has said although my suggestions for how you might improve the story are different. I actually enjoyed the humorous aspect of your story. For me, it's something I don't see a lot of in n/c fiction. Some might argue there's no place for it, but I think there is and I think stories can actually be made more real by including it. I mean, real life IS filled with dumblebums like your character. From a victim's perspective, the fact that he is this way can even make him seem more dangerous to the victim, even if she's the only one who sees him this way.
This brings me to why I didn't rate your story more highly. Aside from the technical things that Jonathon covered, your story floundered between serious and comedic. It might be easier to correct your story to be more serious and "accurate" (chloroform actually causes serious liver damage to the victim, incidentally). However, I'd encourage you to write it again and develop the humor in it. Comedy is difficult to get right at the best of times, but it can be very effective if done well, especially in this particular genre.
Hope that helps :) (6/10)
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- Replied by:
slave802120
(Edit) (Jul 24, 2005)
- You're welcome, Traveller, and many thanks too for your kind words about my little tales :)
- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Sep 8, 2005)
- Hi slave802120,
Thank you for your review and suggestions. I really appreciate it.
I tend to write two types of stories; one is more serious and dark material and the other is b- stuff. This one has so much b- stuff in it hence the inclusion of chloroformings etc. So rewriting it as a comedy sounds like a good idea. But I usually don't keep back up, so I don't know if I can do it with this one.
But actually I have a story titled "Abduction of Candy" which deals with the kidnapping of an older woman which was pure comedy the way you mean it. But halfway through the story, I stopped writing it and put it in the backburner for further development. But your review gave me inspiration. I'll go back and see what I can do with it. Thank you very much for taking your time.
Also, I've just discovered your works on other sites. Great writing. I especially love "White Slave Universe- Case #802120". A very original serie written with great visual descriptions. :)
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| Reviewer:
Kingcodez
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 20, 2005 |
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Other than what Jonathan pointed out, i liked it alot and can't wait for an update. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Jun 29, 2005)
- Kingcodez, I'm glad you liked the story, thanks.
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| Reviewer:
rce
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 20, 2005 |
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Much of my critique is already spelled out by Jonathan, I couldn't say it better. I guess I was also annoyed by some other illogical things in the story. For example, why does the abductor make Stacey cover herself in wax, then bathe her in cold water, then act as though there is no wax left on her body? When did all that wax disappear? (6/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Jun 29, 2005)
- rce, I wrote the bath scene to try my hand in writing breathcontrol, it wasn't necessarily written for removing the wax even though the story suggests otherwise. They just happened to be two bdsm acts that I was thinking about at the time.
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 19, 2005 |
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i liked the concept of the story but thee wa too much dialog and not enuogh "action" in the story (6/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Jun 19, 2005)
- mkemse, I'll try to balance it on future chapters. Glad you liked the concept.
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| Reviewer:
Jonathan
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 18, 2005 |
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There are a few minor problems with grammar and punctuation in this story, but overall the writing style is better than average. However, what's with the f*ck? This is an adult site. It's okay to say "fuck" here.
The thing about this story is that the main character is presented as an idiot. He's inexperienced, inept, and not very bright. This may have been an intentional characterization by the author, but it ruined the story for me.
First he hires a third party to build his dungeon. The builder must have wondered why he was building a dungeon for a 21 year old kid with no apparent girl friend. I would have preferred that the guy have sufficient imagination to build his own dungeon. Also, if you're planning to commit a major felony, you don't involve a third party who can identify you, knows where you live, and might put two and two together when the disappearance hits the papers.
After selecting his victim (in his home town), the guy becomes a regular at the diner where she works. How many people have his description?
Upon abducting her and rendering her unconscious, he drives around until she revives. It's hard to concentrate on the story because my mind is screaming, "Get off the streets, you idiot." Once revived, she nails him with a spiked heel. He didn't take her shoes off?
It just goes on and on. He logs onto the email account of a woman known to have been abducted, apparently from his home computer.
The other problem is that he doesn't seem to have any idea what he really wants. He wants a "slave", but what does that mean? Does he simply want a woman who will obey out of fear and submit to sex on demand, or does he want a deeper relationship? If so, he's out of luck. No woman is ever going to feel anything but fear, contempt, and revulsion for this guy. The author got that right in Stacey's reaction to her abductor, which leads me to believe the main character's ineptitude is intentional.
The last line of the first part says it all:
"I was wondering what to do with my new slaves..."
You would think he'd have figured that out before he started. Anyway, I have a suggestion for the continuation of the story. Have this guy arrested. He's such a klutz he deserves to get caught.
(6/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Jun 19, 2005)
- Jonathan, the grammer/ punctuation and person narrative problems occured because I wrote it in one sitting for another board which wasn't Word friendly at the time. I'm sorry, I know it takes people out of the story.
The main character being inexperienced, him not knowing what to do etc. were intentional because from the very beggining of the story, one of the things I had in mind was him to be caught at the end of the story. So I tried to have him leave clues all around.
Thanks for the review.
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| Reviewer:
Spectre
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 18, 2005 |
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Well written story. I enjoyed this one very much. Looking forward to the continuation (8/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Jun 19, 2005)
- Spectre, glad you enjoyed the story, thanks. I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can.
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