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The School Trophy
Author: ghostsblood
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(Added on Sep 17, 2004)
(This month 39418 readers) (Total 113121 readers) |
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A new school year, A new flock of girls. A very creative principle. When the school soccer team wins the trophy, Best freinds for life-Loli and Mae learn very quikly that this is no ordinary school.. and indeed no ordinary trophy. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 9 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (8/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
ghostsblood
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 18, 2005 |
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Due to a re-write (well just about), I have asked that this story be deleted and reposted.
do not frett, its still around somewhere.
=^_^= (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
prey4me
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 4, 2005 |
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When it comes to graphic and erotic description of violent and extreme nc sex, "ghostblood" has a genuine gift of description! I found myself both appalled and aroused with his account of two sweet, delicate pre-teens getting brutally raped at--of all places--a school assembly. He sets the situation (and the adorable victims) up excellently: they are quintessentially virginal and cute. They are the sweethearts we see in the malls, at church, at our children's social events, and we wonder if they are really as sweet and creamy under those girlish clothes as we think they are. Especially effective is the attention ghostblood gives to Loli's lingerie. Let's face it: we don't get easy access to images of girls of this age in the complete nude (what with internet cops and all), so we usually settle for pictures of them in underwear ads, etc. For example:
"After dancing over to her chest of draws, she picks out a very expensive white cotton/silk blend hipster panty with pink lace edging, and a cute little silk bowtie at the top, this is paired with a matching bra."
Writing like this makes me wish I was hiding behind the curtain in her bedroom, and could jump out and grab the little nymph!
Ghostblood excels when he works this. (As a personal aside, I would suggest that dainty slips or petticoats be added to the lovelies' apparel.) Later, Ghostblood could add to the intensity of the assault on the girls by adding more details --sequencing--of them as they are stripped. I want to "see" every item as it is removed--or ripped off. I want to be told what shame and anguish is going through the girls' minds as they are stripped. (And, as an additional personal aside, there is something exciting about a girl's being raped with her skirt on, hiked up to her hips.)
Ghostblood has two weaknesses which I hope he will attend to. He needs to proofread his text more thoroughly. For example, he gets his their/there and your/you're mixed up here and there.
My larger complaint is the scenario itself: I can buy into a fantasy of a school where the staff and jocks have a sadistic conspiracy to abuse the newest, youngest, most innocent girls. COOL! But one would think if anything like this existed--anywhere!--it would be a very secretive undertaking. Even for an extreme rape-torture fantasy, this is, well, far-fetched. I know every girl in this school is supposed to be part of a "pool" of submissive fuck-slaves, but doing it on stage, well, is rather much.
But when "ghostblood" is writing about the actual assault and rape of the girls, such as:
"Al's cock has broken into her preteen vagina; with one thrust he has irreparably torn her pink hole at the top and bottom apex; shredded her hymen, and splashed innocent blood onto his thigh. In the same instant her tight ass is mercilessly ravaged by the other rapist, in the one fell stroke his cock has stretched her ass wide enough accept him, instantly crippling the muscles of her tightly clenched sphincter and breaking her colon as he plunged deep into her bowels. Her crimson blood slowly runs out of her ass and over his dick; down to his balls."
For those who dig extreme nc sex, this is as good as it gets! Because of the two complaints specified above, I give "ghostblood" a mere deduction of "one" from his perfect "ten."
Now, I have to search the site for other ghostblood stories! (9/10)
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- Replied by:
ghostsblood
(Edit) (Jun 8, 2005)
- WOW!!! thanks for the write up!!
Addressing your complaints; Typo's are the baine of my life! I can't touch type, I type two finger style while staring at the keyboard, so Proof reading is easier to do at the end. That said; with each new chapter I re-dit the whole story (this is why there is a larger and larger gap between chapters). #7 is almost done.
As for adding more clothes and other details; I feel I am already treading a thin line between tedium and picturesque, so I try to not get too carried away. Also you mentioned humiliation via stripping, It's a nice idea, but I preffer each piece to be torn, forced, pushed, pulled, soaked or simply dirtied as the scene progresses, like you I enjoy the idea of their clothes hanging, tattered off their frames as they are used. I will be sure to focus on the state of her clothing as the story goes on :)
The scenario was always meant to be thin. If you need me to flesh it out, please accept this explaination: Every new girl partakes in the horrors of the school assembly, Mae and Loli are simply the main attraction. Why has it not become more public? Well... the boys arn't going to ruin a good thing.. and the girls are either broken or killed, So whos going to talk about it? Besides which, any parents who are told are easily turned to the dark side with a 12yr old offering. Or killed ;)
Ummmm otherwise.. thanks again...
=^_^=
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| Reviewer:
Dododecapod
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 12, 2004 |
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Sexy, and the premise is good, but your writing style really disagrees with me. Too many run-on sentences, insufficient puctuation, missed capitals, and some of your word choices are...quite strange. (How, praytell, does someone get kicked in the WOMB?)
Okay, just saw the next couple Eps., and you seem to have fixed the stuff that annoyed me. Good bit of foreshadowing, looks like next episode is going to be fun!
However, you seem to have mastered quick, accurate description, and your sexual and D/S instincts are good. I'll be interested to see where this goes. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
ghostsblood
(Edit) (Sep 25, 2004)
- Its simple, just kick under the belly button but above the mons.
- Replied by:
ghostsblood
(Edit) (Sep 27, 2004)
- I have edited the previous chapters (possibly a bit too heavily). A truckload of run-ons have been corrected. Lemme know what you think. BTW the next chapter is shaping up quite nicely.
- Replied by:
Dododecapod
(Edit) (Sep 27, 2004)
- Yeah, it scans much better now. I think your editing was spot on.
- Replied by:
Dododecapod
(Edit) (Oct 9, 2004)
- Ah, this was worth the wait. The first half of the payoff is strong and hot, just the way I like it! Most enjoyable!
- Replied by:
Dododecapod
(Edit) (Dec 9, 2004)
- Mm, I'm glad you brought the new chapter to my attention. A little more brutal than I'd expected, but I certainly don't mean that as a criticism! I believe the denouement is in the offfering...
I must say, your writing has really improved. I'm very impressed.
- Replied by:
ghostsblood
(Edit) (Dec 10, 2004)
- Thanks.. its a relief to know the style hasnt fallen by the wayside.. I was thinking I may have dropped off a bit, in both content and delivery.
As for a denoument.. not yet. I am having too much fun with it.. and besides we havnt even met half the team yet ;p
But rest assured.. I just came up with the perfect ending... Its a doozy. But thats not for a while yet.
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| Reviewer:
chksng19
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 10, 2004 |
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I have to agree with most of the earlier reviews: this is a fresh look at an old plot. Your two lead characters, our damsels in distress, are really well drawn and clear. The way things develop has kept me interested in the story. Beware the spellchecker, though; it can be sneaky and substitute principle for principal if you look away for a second (grin).
Keep on trucking as you can; you have lots of folks anxious for the next chapter.
Further chapters are showing the effort of your creativity in the story. The girls remain innocent, even after the horror of the presentation. At least, until now....
kicking up the score a notch, too. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
ghostsblood
(Edit) (Dec 10, 2004)
- Thanks :)
Im happy to hear it's getting better rather than just plain tedious.
And Im glad you noticed the damsels havnt given in ... its key to the horror of the story. There are too many "finding the inner slut" stories here, this will not be one of them.
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| Reviewer:
agp_millie
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 4, 2004 |
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i'd give it 11 if i could, ... BUT!!! Pleaseee where is Part 3 & 4 & etc. (smile)
Just burning the chair when never found out what happens on Presntation Day.
Pleaaseeee .. And if already done, please E.mail me. agp_milly@lycos.com xxx (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
lex ludite
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 21, 2004 |
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This one has got me hooked even though the plot is rather shop worn. The author has an eye for detail and the prose is very descriptive. I do have a problem with the less than ideal editing and the numerous grammatical faux pas, but the passion and style that is displayed easily overcomes these deficiencies. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
ghostsblood
(Edit) (Sep 21, 2004)
- Thanks Lex.
I agree with you about the plot. But I have intentionally left it wafer thin and unremarkable. More because it allows me to concentrate on the characters and imagery, than anything else.
As for my typing I appologise but I am the worlds most attrocious typer. Short of it is that I try to type faster than my hunting and pecking will allow. But I am curious, Can you explain exactly which faux pas are you reffering to and I can go back and fix it or at least be more diligent in future chapters.
PS. If I start losing quality due to my obsession for exsessive imagery.. let me know.
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| Reviewer:
robertahunt
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 20, 2004 |
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Promising. I like the mean-spirited verbal abuse and humil. aspects in chapter 2. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
omechron
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 19, 2004 |
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Very nice. You don't see enough with these kinks in them. (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 18, 2004 |
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it was a good read so far, but the chapters are too short, i look forward to see what you do next (7/10)
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- Replied by:
ghostsblood
(Edit) (Sep 19, 2004)
- Sorry the chapters are so short, Its just warming up. Have to develop the characters y'know LOL.
Its a work in progess, sometimes I'm too busy at work to get anything down am typing chapter three right now.. its not going to be a good one.. just setting up the chapter after it.. which is what you are all waiting for ;) that one will take a while... i dont intend on leaving any detail out.
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