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End Game
Author: slave48
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(Added on Oct 4, 2005)
(This month 12206 readers) (Total 35484 readers) |
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Derek realises his ambition to attend a swinging party but at the end he discovers that is come at a high price. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 20, 2009 |
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nicely done (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Ranai
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 11, 2006 |
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I found the plot interesting and enjoyable. The story has a good deliberate build-up of suspense that keeps readers on their toes.
Just the finale did not really work for me – for reasons of storytelling form. And the finale is... well... the ice cream. :-) Should you ever wish to go back and spend some time on a revision of the ending, here are my suggestions: Reduce and break up the monologue. Intersperse it with description. Move back and forth between the two characters and fire up their dialogue. Show what happens while they speak. Where does she stand or sit or walk? What can be seen from the narrator’s perspective? What does she do? How does it feel? How about some details about the bondage: Tied with what? Let him look desperately if there isn’t anything he can reach and undo. Struggle? How does it feel like when he pulls against his bonds? Does it hurt? Any increased heartbeat? Outbreak of sweat? Aren’t we going to hear some desparate pleading? Keep the plot as it is, let it lead up right to the point where the story ends in this version too, but make those final paragraphs dynamic and exciting. Don’t just state what happens, describe it.
So far the suggestions I can think of.
Or maybe you are already working on your next piece? Anyway, thank you for an entertaining swinging party with a surprise! (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
bdsmbill
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 7, 2005 |
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This is an interesting story with a very different twist at the end. (8/10)
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