AFTER THE HEADMASTER
I was pretty freaked, no doubt about it. When Adam closed the door of the bath
chamber behind us. It was only his hands pulling me against his chest that kept
my legs from collapsing under me. His big hand in my hair, pulling me tightly
into the circle of his arms, and holding me near. Cold, I was ice-cold and
couldn't stop the violent shudders as sobs threatened to flow from me.
"It's okay, Anne. It's over." His voice throaty and sincere against my head,
and I felt as though a band of steel had been released from around my chest, and
tears flowed from my eyes like a waterfall of excess emotional baggage. I
melted into him, clutching his back and sobbing deeply. Whatever efforts of will
holding me up and quiescent, gone now as I let him hold me. I lost it. Feeling
every frustration and humiliating moment of what I had just let them do to me.
Half angry, because it had been non-painful and I had no choice but to let it
happen. "Are you hurt?" I shook my head, feeling my sinuses squeak in my head,
not someone that cries real good.
"No, Adam. I just..." I couldn't even put it into words. I just felt like I
had been broken open, and someone had rearranged the inside of my psyche.
"Okay." He said firmly. "Stop." He backed me over to the marble pedestal.
"Drop the emotion for a minute. Think." I took a couple of deep breaths,
sniffing. "Did you like being with Terry." I felt the wet sodden lump of my
brain starting to move again.
"Yes, Adam." I answered honestly, no use lying here really. I had liked it, all
but the end really. He stepped back from me, but keeping me on the ends of his
hands.
"Okay, then. I have been where you are. Pushed beyond a personal limit. Let
it go. You did not lose your control Terry took it from you with force." I
understood that. I could see what he was saying. "Now, listen." I did not
dropping my eyes from his. "You were great in there. Graceful, tactful,
compliant. Perfect. You did not let any preference show any preference until
you were well away from the master and Terry. You did the right thing." I felt
almost normal. "You earned the whip, Anne." That did make me feel better. My
eyes were still sticky from tears, but I could take a deep breath with no
effort. "They will make you do everything at least once, just to find out how
it makes you feel. After awhile even the things you are unsure about will seem
natural, comforting even." Okay, I felt normal now. I could follow what he was
saying.
It was a matter of surrendering myself totally to the desires of another person,
and letting their desires flood my senses until they were met and we became one
entity. I tried but it was difficult.
"Can you do that, Annie?" Adam asked me suddenly, his eyes close to mine. The
warm sweetness of his breath filling my nose.
"I did do that, Adam." I snapped suddenly, spirit coming back into my words.
My eyes flashing, quickly. He smiled down at me as I shook my head. He led me
too the shower. "It not that, Adam. It was that a limit that I had set had
been obliterated without my consent. Nobody said I would have to do that..." I
shivered with disgust. I couldn't help myself, it just happened. A delicate
shiver that I couldn't really explain other than that it was just, icky. That
sounded infantile, even as it was true. The very thought of it on my skin. He
put me into the warm water, and I felt it sluicing off my epidermis. It came
to me suddenly. Jon had hurt my feelings. I didn't think he meant too, but
that was the end result of what he had done. I had always thought, that S/M,
B/D, whatever was a mutually erotic activity. A head-trip agreed to between all
parties. I had not even been treated as human. Less than a pet even. I had
been an orifice, then he had left me lying there in that confusion. Left me
alone as though I had done something, contemptible and wrong. Like I was dirty
for allowing them to use me like that. I was getting angry, and I could feel
my pulse going up, and the flush starting all over my skin. The impotent fever
of hatred and malevolence. Not good for me, really. I had some sense of the
contract I had signed, and my own honorable reaction to having given my word
about this place and my role here. Had I sold my soul? Had I given my body
unwisely? These were the thoughts that were floating around my head, in a
whirling twist of conscious thought. No longer merely flesh ruling my purpose.
Intellect filling in the pieces.
The water washing my skin clean was warm, but there was nothing warm in my eyes.
Adam drying me off carefully, watching the delicate play of emotion on my face
as he usually did. I didn't care at that point that my eyes were filled with
the fires of antipathy. He led me too the pedestal, putting a thick collar
around my neck and he left me kneeling towards the hard marble. I heard the
door behind me.
"That will be all, Adam. Thank you." Jon's voice, and I tensed on my knees.
He was directly behind me. "Turn around, Anne." I did it immediately as
gracefully as I could. His voice was stern, hard. I tried to check the anger
flashing from my eyes, by keeping them lowered. I was not sure what had upset
me more. Jon or myself for having been so disconcerted by what had happened.
Maybe I had misinterpreted everything. I could be wrong for how I feel in my
confusion? I could be mistaken that he had left me the way he had in disgust.
This could be some new delicate head-trip to see how much I trusted his
judgment. Could this be merely a test? To see how I would react when something
unexpected was thrown my way? Layers and layers of possibilities. Just a bad
head-trip? A little S/M Faux pas? Jesus, I had no idea, and the ceaseless
questions were driving me into a state of confusion that I had never felt
before. Better to just stay angry, but I was losing it quickly. He started to
speak, his voice low. Almost sibilant.
"It was the look of you there on Terry's bed. His hand buried inside you. That
virginal little skirt bunched up at your waist. Your hair in pigtails." I
could see what he what saying in my mind, and felt it affecting me. He pulled
me against his chest, and his hands stroked my back. Slow delicious circle.
"Ahh, my little novice. So much to learn."
"Why, Master? Why did you leave me there alone?" I burst out, and I felt him
flinch. "Did I not please you? What was my crime?" I wanted to wound,
thoughtlessly. Spear his heart as surely as he had wounded mine. Tighter he
held me, the requisite tenderness that they all dished out when they felt you
needed it, and I knew this even as I responded to it. Wanted it. "You hurt my
feelings." My voice sounded weak and tired and bitter to my own ears, what must
it sound like to his? A whiny ungrateful bitch, and I was being just that too.
Shame on me.
"Every one has preferences. Yours seemed to be so easy to commute. So quick to
turn, when there was something you truly wanted to experience. You lay with
Terry, and dazzled him. I did not think that you would find it so very
unpleasant that it would truly wound you." His voice did not sound timid, but
his words were as close to an apology that someone in my position was likely to
get. I almost felt bad about my actions, my reactions. "It wasn't as bad as
you thought it would be, was it?" I felt myself going red with embarrassed
humiliation.
"No, Master." I whispered but it scared me to admit it to him. If I admitted
to my pleasure would they force me do the other things that I had said no to on
my list? It caused a shiver of fear, but I couldn't even remember what they
were really. Words on a piece of paper that seemed suddenly to have very little
to do with the actual flesh involved.
"There is a reason for every action I take with you, Anne. Never forget that."
I wouldn't forget, ever, but deep in my heart I knew that I would. Emotion was
what he was trying invoke. It was what he wanted from me, but that seemed to be
the one thing that I had real trouble giving to anyone. He took a leash from
off of his belt, and clipped it to the standard collar that Adam had put around
my neck. The only thing that I wore. "Come, Terry has some nice new toys he
wants to play with in the basement. We'll talk later about Tim coming
tomorrow." He chuckled in sudden good humor. "You'll realize the folly of that
quick enough." I followed him down the corridor, my spirit calmer. Not
thinking about the future but knowing that the walk was easy. I wasn't sure that
I wanted to be delivered back into the hands of Terry again though. That wasn't
really my problem at this time, though was it?
